I cannot believe it has been one week since I graduated college. Graduation still feels like a dream and it just feels like just another summer break.
This past week was filled with celebration. I was meeting with my mentors in labs that I have been part of as we celebrated my graduation and discussed about my involvement in the lab post-graduation.
In the midst of all this, I found myself scrambling to find something to worry about. Before walking for graduation, I was afraid that I might trip on stage. As silly as it sounds, the fear of tripping was so raw and real.
It does not end there. Worrying if my friends and family coming from out of town will make it to Houston safely, worrying if anyone would show up to my graduation and also worrying if I would wake up with a giant pimple on day of graduation. It even felt like these worries tricked me into feeling sane.
I use to tell my therapist how anxious I get if I can’t find anything to be anxious about.
Well, this past week (after graduation), I could not find anything to be anxious about.
In the midst of celebration, I was fearful that something could go wrong anytime. The feeling of how I do not deserve good things started trickling back.
This morning, I woke up to a random YouTube video on someone getting pick pocketed in Spain. While I have been warned about pick pocketers before, it was almost as if my brain was waiting to be fed with anxiety.
Immediately, I started to ruminate. I could not stop thinking about every scenario if I were to get pick pocked in Spain. If I get my passport stolen, there would be no way for me to enter back into the States as a non-US citizen with a visa. That led to another thought, wondering what would happen if I cannot go back to the states, as I will not be able to attend graduate school – something I worked so hard for many years.
I spent several hours this morning, scrolling on my phone, reading people’s experience getting pick
pocketed, which did not help at all. When it was time for me to leave for church, I had to force myself to put down my phone, get ready, and leave.
When my brain grabs a thought that I can “play” around with, it is good at not letting go. My anxiety being the predator, while my vulnerable brain is the prey.
As I spent some time in prayer during my church service and talking to few friends about what I am freaking out about, I found some peace, reminding myself that God is in control no matter what happens.
Of course, I will try everything in my ability to keep my belongings safe during my trip. Nevertheless, if my worst nightmare were to become true, taking me back to Korea – I will trust in God to lead me.
As I suffer from mild OCD (intrusive thoughts, obsessing those intrusive thoughts are common symptoms – I’ve been reminding myself that it is probably due to my conditions that I cannot just simply stop thinking about it.
I do not display my symptoms outwardly like some OCD patients do, but my heart races uncontrollably whenever I have these moments.
I really hope this does not come across as a cry for help. I decided to write this post to verbalize, and process my thought. The worst thing you can tell someone who suffers from panic disorders, anxiety disorders, etc. – is that they are being unreasonable and they just need to calm down.
I initially wrote a different post and had it scheduled to go live tonight. I wrote about my perspective being on psychotropic medications. However, I felt the need to put my thoughts into words so that I can actively process and move on.
It is my hope to eventually edit my posts and turn it into a book format. I dream for the day I can share my journey of hope, which it is possible for anyone to overcome their mental health condition. With that in mind, I wanted to write a post sharing my state of vulnerability, that not every day is easy even if I tend to speak of my “hard experiences” were all in the past.
I hope what I share is helpful, because that is ultimately my heart behind every post. To write for my audience and to brainstorm how my audience can benefit the most from my blog.
For those of you who reach out to share your prayer requests, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me and allowing me to pray with you. Feel free to reach out to me via contact tab at any time for more prayer requests.
See you soon,
P.s In all seriousness, I have been told to invest in a money belt or even a travel underwear with pockets! Are these things legit? I would love to hear if anyone has experience with these travel gears.